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Sara Went Shopping
Sara Smith, a Pasadena resident, went shopping. She is 30, and has lived at 3037 N. Foothill Street since 1992. Sara has been married to John for seven years. They have two children; Bob is five years old and Nancy is three. Sara owns a 1995 four-door blue Toyola. At 9 a.m., Sara got into her car and drove to Barget, a department store a mile away.
Barget was having a holiday sale. Sara bought a four-slice toaster for $29.95 plus tax. The regular price was $39.95. She paid by check. On her way home, Sara stopped at MilkPlus to buy a gallon of nonfat milk. The milk was $3.50. Sara got 50 cents back in change.
Sara arrived home at 10 a.m. John and the kids were still sleeping. She woke them up andthen made a hot and nutritious breakfast for everyone
******
SUV Driver Sends Officer Flying
About 2:00 a.m. Monday, a California Highway Patrol officer was hit by an
SUV. The officer was thrown about 10 feet before landing in a hedge. The officer was assisting a motorist whose car had stalled on the freeway.
The police officer was listed in stable condition at a nearby hospital. The accident occurred after the fast-moving white SUV drove onto the shoulder where the two cars were parked. The SUV struck the officer before plowing into the police car. The driver of the stalled car was unhurt.
The SUV rolled completely over. The driver climbed out of the SUV and took off, running in the direction of a nearby off-ramp. Because another police vehicle was nearby, the police caught the driver quickly. He was charged with drunk driving, property damage, causing personal injury, and leaving the scene of an accident.
The driver had no license and no insurance. He had been convicted a year ago of driving while intoxicated. At that time he had also injured someone and also fled the scene. He was sentenced to jail for six months. But because the jail was so overcrowded, he was released in one month.
“What can we do?” said a policeman. “There are a lot more drunk drivers out there every night than there are police. The only time we can get them
off the streets for good is when they kill someone
******
Man Injured at Fast Food Place
A 79-year-old man was slightly injured on Saturday while waiting in his brand new convertible in a drive-through lane at Burger Prince restaurant. Herman Sherman of Northville suffered a mild burn about 9:00 p.m. when a young female employee accidentally spilled a cup of coffee into his lap. Sherman said the coffee was hot but not scalding.
He refused medical aid, saying the only problem was the stain on his slacks, but it would wash out. He was given a fresh refill. Before Sherman drove off, the restaurant manager, John Johnson, gave him two free gift certificates--one for an extra-large coffee and one for the restaurant,s newest sandwich, the McRap.
The employee, who was a new hire, was let go later that evening. She was quite upset. She said she would probably sue Burger Prince for letting her go. She said it was the man,s fault for ordering something that she might be able to spill
******
Boy Drowns in Neighbor,s Pool
Hunter Smith, 5, drowned in a swimming pool after apparently wandering away from two teenagers, one of whom was his babysitter. Paramedics and hospital staff members spent several hours trying to revive Hunter. Police pulled the unconscious boy from the cold water of the neighbor’s pool about 3:20 p.m. Wednesday.
The babysitter was 16. The other teen was her boyfriend, 17. The boy’s parents had no comment about their son’s unfortunate death.
Police questioned both teens separately as to how the accident occurred. Their stories did not match. The girl said Hunter disappeared while she was using the bathroom. The boy said Hunter disappeared while he was using the bathroom. After further questioning and some searching around the house, the police determined that the boy disappeared while both teens were using the bedroom.
“They had actually put him in the bedroom closet, but were so busy with each other that they never saw or heard the boy leave the closet and the house,” an officer said. Charges might be filed against the teens for involuntary manslaughter and against the neighbor for leaving the gate to the pool unlocked
******
A Life-Saving Cow
Six consecutive days of spring rain had created a raging river running by Nancy Brown`s farm. As she tried to herd her cows to higher ground, she slipped and hit her head on a fallen tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for a moment or two. When she came to, Lizzie, one of her oldest and favorite cows, was licking her face. The water was rising. Nancy got up and began walking slowly with Lizzie. The water was now waist high. Nancy`s pace got slower and slower. Finally, all she could do was to throw her arm around Lizzie`s neck and try to hang on. About 20 minutes later, Lizzie managed to successfully pull herself and Nancy out of the raging water and onto a bit of high land, a small island now in the middle of acres of white water.
Even though it was about noon, the sky was so dark and the rain and lightning so bad that it took rescuers another two hours to discover Nancy. A helicopter lowered a paramedic, who attached Nancy to a life-support hoist. They raised her into the helicopter and took her to the school gym, where the Red Cross had set up an emergency shelter.
When the flood subsided two days later, Nancy immediately went back to the “island.” Lizzie was gone. She was one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. “I owe my life to her,” said Nancy sobbingly.
******
Woman Dies in House Fire
An 80-year-old woman died Tuesday afternoon in a fire. The blaze was reported about 2:30 p.m.
at a home on Sunnyside Avenue. The victim was identified as Mary Cass. Her husband, Roy Cass, 80, was not at home at the time of the fire. Investigators from the local fire department were trying to determine the exact cause of the fire. They said it looked like the woman had fallen asleep on the sofa with a cigarette in her hand.
The value of the home was estimated at $700,000. The Casses were married in 1945.
Both of them had been smokers throughout most of their lives.
Mr. Cass said, “Six months ago, we decided to quit smoking, because we wanted to live to be 100.
So we went to a smoking cessation clinic. The clinic worked! We both managed to quit a month ago. At least I thought we both did. I can`t believe she was smoking behind my back.”
Mr. Cass started sobbing after his remarks. He repeatedly cried out his wife`s name.
Authorities took him to a nursing home where he could be kept under surveillance.
“We`ve had too many instances of long-time married couples who,
if they discover their spouse is dead, commit suicide within 48 hours,
” said a nursing home spokesperson. “Mr. Cass`s behavior has been erratic, from talking nonstop to crying to staring vacantly. We are going to have to watch him closely.”
******
Driver Loses Mabel, Finds Jail
A fifteen-year-old boy was injured in a car accident when the minivan he was traveling in was hit by a pickup truck at an intersection. The boy was taken to a nearby hospital. The paramedics said that it appeared that the boy had nothing more serious than a broken left leg, but that internal injuries were always a possibility. The boy was conscious and alert. His mother, who was driving, was uninjured. She said that the truck appeared out of nowhere, and she thought she was going to die. She turned the steering wheel sharply to the left, and the truck hit her minivan on the passenger side.
The driver of the truck was a 50-year-old man who was unemployed and apparently had been drinking—police found 18 empty beer cans inside the truck. The man denied drinking, but he failed the police test for sobriety. When asked to touch his nose with his arms outstretched and eyes closed, he was unable to touch any part of his head.
The handcuffed man asked the police if they knew where “Mabel” was as he was put into the back seat of the police vehicle. The police asked him if Mabel was his wife. He said, “She`s my dog, my dog! Where’s my baby?” A dog with a collar, but no identification, was found minutes later, half a block away. The man was taken to the city jail and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and on causing an accident.
******
Pilot Killed as Plane Crashes into House
A small plane crashed into a house Sunday afternoon, killing the pilot and destroying half of the home. The family inside the house escaped without injury.The single-engine airplane crashed about 5:30 p.m. The pilot, the only one in the plane, was trying to make an emergency landing at the airport.
The pilot`s body was found on the bed in the master bedroom. The plane crashed into one end of the house, where the three bedrooms were. That part of the house was wrecked. The Carols, who own the house, were all at home eating dinner.
“Oh, my gosh,” said Mrs. Carol, “I thought the world had come to an end. I never heard such a loud sound. We all ducked under the table, thinking it was another earthquake. When nothing else happened, we got brave and decided to investigate.”
They immediately called 911 when they discovered the cause of the thunderous sound. The family was lucky because there was no fire. Authorities suspect that a lack of fuel contributed to the crash. Mr. Carol said that they might have to move out until they can get the house repaired. The police will release the pilot`s name after they have notified his next of kin.
******
Jerry Decided To Buy a Gun
Jerry Baldwin was 30 years old. He was the manager of a pizza restaurant. He lived in an apartment about one mile north of the restaurant. He walked to and from work. When it was raining, he took the bus.
Jerry loved gangster movies. When a new one came out, he would go to the theater and watch the new movie three or four times. Then, when it went to video, Jerry would buy the video at Barney`s Video Store. Jerry had a home collection of over 1,000 gangster videos. Old ones, new ones, color, black and white, English, Spanish, Japanese--he loved them all. He could tell you the name of the movie, the director, the stars, and the plot. Did you say you liked “Pulp Fiction”? Well, Jerry would rattle off all the details of that movie. And then he would invite you to his place to watch it some time. He was a nice guy.
Jerry finally decided that he would like to own a gun, just like the gangsters. So he saved his money for a couple of years. Then he went to a gun store and bought a used .38 caliber revolver for $300. While there, he also bought a couple of boxes of ammunition. The following Saturday morning, he went to the gun club to practice with his new revolver. He was in the club for only 10 minutes when he accidentally dropped his pistol. The gun went off, and the bullet went into Jerry`s right knee.
Jerry now walks with a limp and a cane, just like some gangsters.
******
Fishing for Girls
Wednesday night, Howard asked Glenn if he wanted to go fishing and girl-watching that weekend at Santa Fe Lake. “We`ll leave Friday morning and return late Sunday night,” he said. Glenn said he had to clean out his garage, so Howard went by himself.
Howard had also planned to lie around the hotel pool, soak up the sun, read a good book, and look at pretty women in their bathing suits. His own apartment didn`t have a pool, so whenever he traveled, he always liked to stay at a place with a pool. But when he arrived at the hotel about noon, he saw that there were no pretty girls at the pool. There were no girls at all. There was nobody at the pool, because the pool was empty. It was being repaired all that week. The staff had “forgotten” to tell Howard this little detail.
Howard called Glenn late Friday night.
“How was the fishing?” Glenn asked.
“Didn’t see any, didn’t catch any,” replied Howard.
“Well, did you catch any women?”
“No. And don`t even ask how many beauties I saw at the pool. I didn`t go to any bars. But I did go to a Mongolian all-you-can-eat place and had a good dinner. I think one of the waitresses liked me. She asked me if I wanted extra ketchup.”
“Well, I hope you said yes. Any time a woman asks you if you want extra anything, that’s female code. It means they like you.”
“I said no. There was a whole bottle right in front of me.”
“Well, you blew it. I don`t know when you`re going to learn to pick up on those signals. Next time I`ll go with you and show you all the tricks.”
“If you knew all the tricks, you wouldn’t be divorced three times.”
******
Freeway Chase Ends at Newsstand
A 24-year-old Los Angeles man was taken to a hospital and then to county jail after leading police on a one-hour freeway chase in a stolen SUV. The chase ended in downtown Los Angeles in front of the Spring Hotel. Most of the chase was uneventful, except for an empty bottle of whiskey that the driver threw at one police vehicle.
When the driver got into downtown, things started to happen. He ran over a fire hydrant. The water spewed out of the hydrant, causing a geyser that ruined all the books in several carts that a vendor had put outside to attract customers into his bookstore. The driver hurriedly turned west onto Grand Avenue and managed to bang into three parked cars on one side of that street and two cars on the other side. The driver also tried to run over a police officer, who was standing in the crosswalk ordering him to halt.
Turning north, the driver caused a bus to slam on its brakes to avoid a collision. The bus was empty, and the bus driver was uninjured. However, two police cars that were pursuing the SUV from different directions were not so lucky. One of them ran into the front of the bus, and the other into the back. Because the drivers had braked early enough, the damage to their cars was minor. Both officers resumed the chase.
They only went two blocks north to find that the SUV had come to a full stop because it had plowed into a newspaper stand. The driver, who was not wearing a seatbelt, was slumped behind the steering wheel. The proprietor of the newsstand was yelling at the driver and shaking a magazine at him. The police called for the ambulance. They charged the driver with failure to yield to a police officer and driving under the influence
******
Better To Be Unlucky
Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.
Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a tough decision.
Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or $120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.
Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car’s owner sued Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam doesn`t play the state lottery any more. He says it`s better to be unlucky
******
Man Fatally Stabbed Outside Nightclub
A middle-aged man was fatally stabbed outside a nightclub late Saturday night. Bob Evans died about 1:30 a.m. after a woman stabbed him in the back outside Lovers Lounge. Police who arrived at the club found Evans lying in the parking lot with a bloody ice pick on the pavement next to him. A sobbing woman was cradling the victim’s head in her lap and stroking his hair.
Police identified the woman as Sara Haynes, 39, an emergency room nurse. They took her into custody and said she would be booked for murder. She was Evans`s long-time girlfriend. The lounge`s bartender said Haynes started arguing with Evans when she saw him dancing with a young woman.
“I thought there might be trouble when I saw her walk in,” said the bartender. “She was looking all around, with a wild look in her eyes. He was on the floor dancing away with this young blonde. She went straight at them. She pulled the blonde out of his arms and started yelling at him.”
Evans then led Sara outside, apparently to avoid a scene inside the club. A witness who was sitting in his car told police he saw them argue for a couple of minutes. When Evans turned around to walk back inside, Sara pulled the ice pick out of her purse and stabbed Evans several times. He collapsed to the ground. Then she sat down, put his head in her lap, and started crying.
******
Food Fight Erupted in Prison
Inmates released two correctional officers they had held for a week in the tower at the state prison complex. The inmates captured the officers a week ago after the two officers tried to quell a food fight in the main dining room. The food fight erupted when the prisoners discovered that their candy ration had been cut in half. The candy is a popular bartering item. Inmates trade it for cigarettes, cigars, magazines, stationery, legal dictionaries, and other items. Prison officials said it was necessary to cut back on this luxury item in order to provide basic items, like soap and razors and toilet paper.
The prisoners went berserk over the reduction. They threw food, plates, and silverware at the doors, windows, and guards. Then they grabbed two guards and hauled them up to the tower. Once they had the tower door secured, they sent messages to prison officials demanding big bags of candy in exchange for sparing the guards` lives.The warden complied with their demands. After a week of negotiations, the prisoners approved a deal which restored their candy ration, but in return the administration said they would have to reduce daily soap allotments by 75 percent.
******
Fishing Boat Sinks, Everyone Saved
A 70-foot fishing boat, the SharkCatcher, sank 5 miles from shore today in the Pacific at about 4:30 p.m. The boat was returning from a successful one-day trip. There were 17 anglers aboard and 4 crew members. There were also about 100 freshly caught tuna, salmon, and mackerel aboard. Some of them may have also survived the sinking.
Luckily, the SharkCatcher started sinking when it was only a quarter mile from another fishing boat, the TunaTaker, which was also returning from a day trip. The two captains, Moe and Curly, had been talking to each other over the radio while headed back to their landing in Santa Barbara. They were comparing notes: who had caught what, how much, and where.
During their conversation, Moe heard what sounded like an explosion. He told Curly to hold on a minute. Moe`s crew discovered a hole in the hull that was too big for plugs or pumps. Moe told Curly he needed his help. Moe then told all the passengers to don their lifejackets and abandon the boat.
“This is the second boat that I`ve lost,” said Moe. “The good thing, of course, is that I’ve never lost any paying customers.”
Curly, captain of the rescue boat, said, “We were lucky that it was a clear, calm day. We pulled a lot of people out of the water, but it went very smoothly. I think the Coast Guard will be proud of us.”
******
Wanted To Know How His Pig`s Doing
Two mayors made a bet on the outcome of the Vegetable Bowl, the annual football game between their high school teams. If Arvada`s team lost, the mayor of Arvada would send the mayor of Boulder ten pounds of sliced potatoes, ready for frying. If Boulder`s team lost, the mayor would send ten pounds of sliced tomatoes, ready for sandwiches or salads.
Unfortunately, before the game started, the mayor of Boulder overheard the Arvada mayor tell someone: “They grow the worst tomatoes. If they lose and send us their tomatoes, I’m going to give them all to my pig.” The mayor of Boulder was upset to hear this, because he thought Boulder`s tomatoes were the best in the state. So he gave the matter some thought.
The following week, the big game was played. Boulder lost its star quarterback in the first half when he tripped over a cheerleader and sprained his big toe. The quarterback glumly watched the rest of the game from the bench. His team ended up losing, 38 to 12. The two mayors shook hands after the game, and the Arvada mayor said, “I`m really looking forward to those tomatoes.” As the Boulder team left the stadium, some unhappy fans threw ripe tomatoes at them.
A week later, the mayor of Arvada received a package of beautifully sliced tomatoes. He took them straight to his pig, which gobbled them right up. That night the mayor of Boulder asked his wife if Arvada`s mayor had called. “No,” she said. “Why?” “Because I mixed a pint of hot sauce into the tomatoes and I wanted to know how his pig`s doing.”
******
The Mysterious Carport Stain
Oh, no! Denzel thought. Where`d THAT come from? He was looking at a big red dry stain that was on the carport where he always parked his car.
There was only one thing to do: check his power steering fluid and his transmission fluid, both of which were red. The power steering fluid was at the proper level, so that left the transmission fluid. A small leak could result in a damaged transmission, which could cost $1,000 to $2,000 to repair or replace. Denzel did not have $1,000 or $2,000.
Denzel was not sure about how to check his transmission fluid level. But he found the instructions in his car manual. They were not complicated.
He ran his engine for about 15 minutes to get it up to normal operating temperature. Next, he shifted the transmission through all the gears, and then let the car idle for three minutes in Park. Then he pulled out the dipstick. The fluid was at the correct level. Denzel breathed a sigh of relief.
As he drove off in his car, he wondered if he would ever find out the cause of that stain. Or would it be one of those mysteries of life, like the mystery of why his last girlfriend had left him.
“Why did you break up with me?” he had asked her on the phone a while ago. “I thought everything was going well between us. Then, wham, out of nowhere, you told me we were through. You needed more space, you said. What does THAT mean?”
“It`s a long story,” she replied.
“Go ahead,” he said. “I`ve got plenty of time.”
“I`ve got to go,” she said.
“Women!” Denzel muttered as the phone went dead.
******
Goats Being Hired
Goats are being hired to do the work of men in a neighborhood just outside of San Diego. The fires that occurred in Hillborough four years ago destroyed thirty homes, most of which have been rebuilt. While contractors were rebuilding the homes, nature was regrowing the grasses, bushes, and shrubs. The area is now so overgrown in brush that it again poses a major fire hazard.
The city council asked for bids to remove the brush. The lowest bid they received was $50,000. And that was if the city provided breakfast and lunch for the work crews for the six weeks it would take to clear the overgrown area. The city countered, offering unlimited coffee (black only) and a doughnut a day for each crew member. When that offer was rejected, the city asked for help on its website.
A sheepherder in Montana and a goatherder in San Bernardino read about the city`s plight while surfing the web on their laptops. They both offered to do the job for $25,000. The council chose the goatherder because he lived closer. When told that the city dump was overflowing, the goatherder said, “No problem. My goats will eat everything in your dump. Except for the automobile engines, of course.” So, for another $5,000, the city killed two birds with one stone. If all goes well, they will invite the goatherder and his “family” back every three years. The goatherder said he will probably visit San Diego while his goats are in the dump. “I want to take one of those hang-glider rides. I just hope we don`t
crash. My goats would miss me a lot,” he said.
******
Woman Lies About Winning Lottery
A 39-year-old woman admitted that she had lied. She claimed that she bought the latest winning lottery ticket in Massachusetts, but then lost it. The ticket was worth $18 million after all deductions. Jean Fenn was charged with grand larceny. A conviction could put her in prison for up to seven years.
The real winner of the ticket, Kevin Hayes, 66, presented it a week ago to the liquor store where he had bought it. That store will receive one percent of the prize, or $180,000. The owner of the store, Mark Abrams, 56, was overjoyed. “Last year we had a storm that blew half of our roof off. It cost $25,000 to put a new roof on.”
Hayes said he was reminded to check his numbers when he heard that a woman had lost her winning ticket. He and his wife had been camping in the mountains when the winning number was drawn.
“But I feel sorry for this woman," said Hayes. "She only did this out of desperation. In fact, I`m going to help her out financially after she gets out of prison. It`s a shame that this wealthy country has so many poor people. So, I`m going to donate a lot of this money to different charities. What do I need $18 million for?”
The checks to Hayes and Abrams should arrive within two weeks, according to a lottery spokesman. The spokesman mentioned that lottery players should remember that the odds of winning the lottery are only about one in forty million. Even so, most people think that SOMEONE has to win, and it might as well be them.
******
A Missing Cat
The owner of a missing cat is asking for help. “My baby has been missing for over a month now, and I want him back so badly,” said Mrs. Brown, a 56-year-old woman. Mrs. Brown lives by herself in a trailer park near Clovis. She said that Clyde, her 7-year-old cat, didn`t come home for dinner more than a month ago. The next morning he didn`t appear for breakfast either. After Clyde missed an extra-special lunch, she called the police.
When the policeman asked her to describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde had beautiful green eyes, had all his teeth but was missing half of his left ear, and was seven years old and completely white. She then told the officer that Clyde was about a foot high.
A bell went off. “Is Clyde your child or your pet?” the officer suspiciously asked. “Well, he`s my cat, of course,” Mrs. Brown replied. “Lady, you`re supposed to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS,” said the irritated policeman. “Well, who can I report this to?” she asked. “You can`t.You have to ask around your neighborhood or put up flyers,” replied the officer.
Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard would work a lot better than an 8”x11” piece of paper on a telephone pole. There was an empty billboard at the end of her street just off the interstate highway. The billboard had a phone number on it. She called that number, and they told her they could blow up a picture of Clyde (from Mrs. Brown`s family album) and put it on the billboard for all to see.
“But how can people see it when they whiz by on the interstate?” she asked. “Oh, don`t worry, ma`am, they only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. The rest of the day, the interstate is so full of commuters that no one moves.” They told her it would cost only $3,000 a month. So she took most of the money out of her savings account and rented the billboard for a month.
The month has passed, but Clyde has not appeared. Because she has almost no money in savings, Mrs. Brown called the local newspaper to see if anyone could help her rent the billboard for just one more month. She is waiting but, so far, no one has stepped forward.
******
Victory Dance Leads to Death
A basketball game ended abruptly Saturday afternoon when 18-year-old Damon Miller was fatally shot at a recreation center. The gunman, who called himself Ace, ran south on Oak Street after the shooting and remains at large. Miller was pronounced dead at the scene by the paramedics. He died from two gunshot wounds to his chest. The paramedics did not arrive immediately because they were tied up at a four-car crash a mile away. This was the second such shooting during a basketball game, apparently by the same gunman.
According to witnesses, Miller did a little dance after making a game-winning 3-point basket. When Ace told him to stop celebrating, Miller ignored him. Then Ace pulled a small gun out of his baggy shorts and fired two quick shots. Everyone else backed away. Instead of running immediately, Ace picked up the basketball and made a 3-pointer himself. Then he did a little dance next to the victim`s head and fled.
A police officer said the suspect will be charged with "a lot more than unsportsmanlike conduct" when arrested. Eyewitnesses said Ace is a white male, 5`11", about 200 pounds, with a small scar on his left cheek.
Local activists criticized the police for dragging their feet in their search for the suspect. “You can bet if it was two white men who had been shot by a black man, there`d be a policeman on every basketball court in town till he was caught,” said one activist.
******
Book Him
A man accused of failing to return more than 700 children`s books to five different libraries in the county was released from jail yesterday after a book publisher agreed to post his bond of $1,000. The publisher said, “There`s a story here. This is a man who loves books. He just can`t let go of them. He hasn`t stolen a single book. So what`s the crime? We think that Mr. Barush has a story to tell. We plan to publish his story.”
When asked why he didn`t return the books, Mr. Barush said, “Well, how could I? They became family to me. I was afraid to return them, because I knew that kids or dogs would get hold of these books and chew them up, throw them around, rip the pages, spill soda on them, get jam and jelly on them, and drown them in the toilet.”
He continued, “Books are people, too! They talk to you, they take care of you, and they enrich you with wisdom and humor and love. A book is my guest in my home. How could I kick it out? I repaired torn pages. I dusted them with a soft clean cloth. I turned their pages so they could breathe and get some fresh air.
“Every week I reorganized them on their shelves so they could meet new friends. My books were HAPPY books. You could tell just by looking at them. Now they`re all back in the library, on the lower shelves, on the floors, at the mercy of all those runny-nosed kids. I can hear them calling me! I need to rescue them. Excuse me. I have to go now.”
******
Eat Your Vegetables
The federal government, displaying even less sense than usual, has yielded to the French fry industry. Frozen French fries—sliced, fried in oil, and then packaged—are now approved as “fresh vegetables” by the US Department of Agriculture.
The French fry industry has been petitioning the USDA for years to get this approval. They say that their product is similar to cucumbers that have a wax coating. They argue that they use 100 percent vegetable oil, which is much healthier for consumers than plain wax.
Most consumers, of course, beg to differ. “You must be joking,” said Annie, 50. “How can you consider a product that’s deep-fried in oil to be a fresh vegetable? Even if I steamed broccoli, I could no longer call it fresh broccoli—it`s cooked! I wish I were a lobbyist, so my congressman would help me. Unfortunately, I`m only a tax-paying citizen.”
The USDA defends its decision, saying that potatoes undeniably are vegetables. Although French fries are fried in oil, they are still potatoes. If you let them sit on your countertop for a couple of weeks, a USDA spokesman said, the fries will rot just like all other fresh vegetables.
Consumer advocates say the USDA has totally lost touch with the consumers. “They`d probably declare that eggshells are nutritious if a lobbyist asked them to,” said one advocate.
******
Honk if You`re in a Hurry
Mark was cursing the driver in front of him because she was creeping along. He was running late for a golf game with his friend Barney. He was on a two-lane road that led to the golf course. The road was straight uphill. It went for six blocks through a busy residential neighborhood. There was a four-way stop sign at the end of each block.
Every time the woman ahead arrived at a stop sign, she looked left and right. Then she looked left and right again. Then she proceeded slowly forward.
Mark was pulling his hair out. Never be in a hurry in LA, he muttered to himself. Mark didn`t pass her because there was too much oncoming traffic. At the very last stop sign, she turned right.
At last, no one was in front of him. Mark put the pedal to the metal to make up for lost time. However, as soon as he rounded the first curve, he had to immediately brake for a cement truck crawling up the hill at about 5 mph. Mark couldn`t believe it. His tee time was 11:45 and it was 11:39. Mark ignored the solid yellow line and passed the truck. It was 11:40 when he got to the parking lot. He walked quickly to the clubhouse to tell Mel, the assistant pro, that he had arrived.
Mel said, “We`re running about 10 minutes behind, so you`re okay. But Barney just called. He said there was a fatal accident on the freeway. The highway patrol closed his side of the freeway. He said to go on without him; he`s going back home.”
******
The Man Who Loved Women
Grady was rich, but he was 78 and on his deathbed. No amount of money—or love—could save him now.
In his youth, Grady had been a major skirt-chaser. No woman was safe from his charm. He used to juggle three or four girlfriends at a time.
He`d often accidentally call them by the wrong names. The first time that happened to a new girlfriend, she would get upset. Instead of lying, Grady would admit that he had another girlfriend—or two. “But,” he would quickly add, “you are my number one. You`ll always be my number one.”
Somehow, this little white lie often worked. Sometimes his various girlfriends would even end up meeting each other and become fast friends.
Any attractive woman was a target for Grady. He would walk right up to her and say, “You`re very attractive. Are you single and unattached?” If she said yes, he`d invite her out for a cup of coffee right then and there. If she said yes, but she didn`t have time just then for coffee, he`d get her phone number and
ask for a rain check. If she said no, he`d ask her if she had a twin sister who was single and unattached. This often made the woman smile or laugh. Sometimes she would change her no to a yes.
Grady was a wonderful dancer. He was just average-looking, but he carried himself with confidence and had a ready smile and a pleasant laugh. He was well-read, he knew a thousand jokes, and he had no bad habits. Perhaps most important, he made a woman feel like a woman, according to many of his girlfriends.
Even in his old age, Grady hadn`t slowed down. Tending to his dying needs were Didi and Mimi, a pair of 40-year-old twins that Grady had finally “settled down” with.
******
Theft Occurs Everywhere
An elderly woman told the police that, as she entered a restroom, she was jostled by a woman behind her. A few minutes later, as she was about to pay for a moustache remover at a nearby store, she discovered that her wallet was missing from her purse. Apparently the woman who had bumped into her had cleverly stolen her wallet. This type of theft is called pick-pocketing.
Perhaps an even more personal kind of theft is known as housebreaking, or burglary. After such an intrusion, the victims often report a feeling of violation. They seldom regain the comfort and security level they used to have in their home. They constantly feel like they are being watched; they feel that if they go out, the burglars will again come in. They feel uncomfortable when they are home, and they feel uncomfortable when they aren`t home.
Burglars get lucky or make their own luck. Sometimes homeowners forget to lock all their windows or doors. Sometimes burglars will break a window, cut through a screen door, or force open a side door.
Thieves have no shame. They will steal from anyone that they think is vulnerable. Of course, that means the elderly are their frequent victims. Some thieves are very clever; some are very lucky. All of them make an honest person`s life more difficult. It’s too bad that all of them can`t be caught and converted into honest people.
Imagine that: a world with no larceny, a world where you can park your bicycle unsecured on the sidewalk, or leave your purse unattended in your shopping cart. Is this only a dream? Some say that if you can dream about it, it can happen.
******
How to Get out of Jury Duty
The mailman delivers good news and bad news. Topping the “bad news” list for many people who live in Los Angeles is a jury summons. This document tells you that you must respond by mail or phone for possible service on a jury. Many people feel that jury duty is a boring chore and would prefer not doing it.
In fact, court clerks say that the most common question they hear is: Why do I have to serve? The official response is: Jury duty is a responsibility that all qualified citizens must share.
If you are a citizen, if you can read and understand English, if you`re over 18 years old, and if you`re not a felon, you are eligible for jury duty. If you ignore the summons, you might be fined up to $1,500.
A jury trial might last one day or one month. If you work for the government, this is no problem, because the government will pay you your regular salary while you are on jury duty. However, if you are self-employed, you lose your regular income for that time period. Instead of your regular income, you get $15 a DAY for sitting on a jury. This is another reason people try to avoid jury duty.
Jack got the bad news yesterday. Even though he was retired and sat around all day watching reruns of old movies, he told his wife Polly he wasn`t going to be a juror. He hated jury duty and he was not going to let the courts interfere with his retirement.
“So how do you think you are going to get out of it?” Polly asked, both amused and irritated. “Are you going to claim that you`re dead? Or are you going to tell them you`ve moved out of the country?”
“No, both of those involve too much paperwork. I`ve got a better idea. It`s a medical excuse. It says here that if you have a physical disability, you can be dismissed.”
“What`s your disability? Your “bad back” doesn`t allow you to sit in a chair watching reruns all day?”
“No. Something better than that. I`ve got gas. It`ll offend the other jurors and everyone else in the courtroom. They`ll have to open all the windows or issue gas masks.”
“But there`s one problem. You don`t have gas.”
“But I know how to create it. I`ll eat a lot of peanuts and fruit the morning that I go to court. As soon as they get a whiff of my ‘problem,’ they`ll tell me to go home and stay home.”
“That`s a brilliant idea!” Polly said, as she rolled her eyes. At least it would get him out of the house for one day, she thought.
******
Eggs and a Bunny
Easter Sunday was a cloudy but festive day in Memorial Park for about 100 kids from local orphanages. An Easter egg hunt started at 10 a.m. when a fire engine blasted its horn. Boys and girls, ranging in age from 2 to 6, dashed throughout the park, yelling and screaming, walking and running, and quite often, falling down. One little girl, Amanda, found her first egg less than a minute after the horn blew. Instead of putting it into her basket and continuing to search for more, she sat down. Then she spent the next 10 minutes examining it, unwrapping it, and eating it piece by piece. When she finished, she put the wrapper into her basket, wiped her hands on her white dress, and went to hunt for another egg.
Meanwhile Jeff, one of the older boys, filled his basket to overflowing. He asked one of the firemen to hold it for him, and then took off running for more candy eggs. As soon as he found some, he put them into the basket of the child closest to him. Two little toddlers both saw a candy egg at the same time, and they both bent over to pick it up. They banged heads, and both of them sat down bawling. A couple of volunteer nurses picked them up and told them that everything was going to be all right.
By 11 a.m., the search was over. Most of the kids were studying their candy, exchanging it with others, or eating it. But then the fire engine horn blasted again, causing three-year-old Jenny to cry. A fireman on a bullhorn told everyone to gather around, because a special guest had arrived.
Once everyone was settled, the Easter Bunny climbed down out of the fire engine. The bunny was 6`6” tall. Most of the kids cheered and ran toward him. Even Jenny stopped crying for a moment. She stared at the bunny and at all the kids running toward the bunny; then she started crying even harder. The Easter Bunny hugged the kids, and they hugged him. Then the Easter Bunny sat on a fire engine step, and one by one the kids came up, sat on his lap, and got their pictures taken. After that, the older kids were allowed to explore the fire engine itself.
The festivities ended about 3 p.m., when the orphans climbed into the buses for the return trip home. Most of them said they had a fun time. Six-year-old Sara asked, “Can we do this every Sunday?” And more than one boy asked, “Can I drive the fire engine next time?”
******
The Way to a Man`s Heart
Lina often asked Luke to dinner. Lina loved Luke, but Luke loved Lina`s cooking, not Lina herself. Lina accepted that for the time being. But she felt that, with enough meals and enough time, she would get her man.
Luke rarely stayed more than ten minutes past the last bite of dessert. Lina would ask Luke if he wanted to watch TV, or play cards or chess, or take a walk around the neighborhood, but Luke always declined. He always said, “I`ve got to go.” They both knew that Luke didn`t have to go anywhere. All he ever did was go back to his apartment and read books or go online.
Tonight was probably going to be more of the same. But Lina was a patient woman. She loved to cook, and she loved to watch people eat her cooking. Tonight she prepared shrimp, fresh green beans, mashed potatoes, and asparagus. Luke ate everything with gusto. Then she brought out her homemade cheesecake with vanilla ice cream for dessert.
Luke asked, “Are you trying to fatten me up for something? Every time I come over here, I have to eat celery and lettuce for a week to get back down to my normal weight.”
“Oh, stop exaggerating,” Lina replied. “You enjoy every mouthful.”
“You`re right. I apologize. I love your cooking, and if you didn`t invite me over here, I`d be hurt and hungry.”
Lina watched contentedly as Luke devoured the cheesecake and ice cream. Someday, she thought, I will be his dessert.
******
Hotel Says Goodbye to Clean Couple
Theodore, the manager of the Paradise Hotel, told a middle-aged couple that they would have to leave the hotel after just one night. The couple, visiting from Texas, had booked a room for eight nights.
“They wanted a sterile environment,” Theodore said. “They should have rented a room in a hospital, maybe an operating room. This hotel is clean, but it isn’t that clean.”
Theodore said that, on the very first day, the couple brought all the sheets, pillowcases, and bedspreads down to the main lobby and just dropped them next to the front desk. They stood there next to this pile of bedding while other guests looked, pointed, and murmured. The hotel got three cancellations within the hour from people who witnessed this strange event.
When Theodore asked the couple what the problem was, they said that their bedding was filthy and they wanted it replaced. The couple could not identify any specific “filth” on the bedding. The wife just said, “We`re paying good money to stay here. How dare you doubt us? We know the filth is there. That`s all the proof you need.” Theodore called room service, and the bedding was replaced immediately.
Early the next evening, however, the couple marched to the front desk again and demanded seven cans of spray disinfectant. “We need a can for each night. We have to spray the phone, the TV, all the door handles, the toilet handle, the shower stall, the faucet, the sink, and any hotel staff entering our room.”
Worried about what their demands might be in the following days, Theodore politely suggested that a hotel more suitable for them was just around the corner. He then called ahead to reserve a “very clean” room, and gave them free transportation in the hotel limousine.
“They seemed surprised that I suggested a different hotel, but they liked the idea that I didn`t charge them for the second day, and they really liked the limousine service,” said Theodore.
******
Female Seeks Mature Male
Julia was 12 years old. Her best friend Betsy was 13. Summer was almost over. School was about to start. Julia and Betsy were having lunch at BurgerBoy. Betsy had decided that Julia needed a boyfriend.
“But why?” asked Julia. “I`m okay without one. What good is a 12-year-old boy anyway? All they`re interested in is playing baseball or riding their skateboards. Where does a girl fit into that picture?”
“Don`t be silly,” replied Betsy. “And forget about 12-year-olds. They`re immature. You should go for someone more experienced—someone at least 13 years old. Someone who will carry your books and walk you to your classes. You need someone who`ll give you a Valentine`s Day card and remember your birthday. You need someone to comfort you when you`re sad and lonely. You need someone to protect you.”
“But my dad does that! That`s what dads are for. He comforts me; he protects me. And he remembers my birthday, too. I`ve got a backpack to carry my books, and I know where all my classes are. I don`t need an escort. And a Valentine`s Day card means that someone loves you. What if I don`t love them back? I don`t want a Valentine`s Day card from someone I don`t love. I don`t love anyone anyway. I`m too young. I don`t think I even know what love is. Besides, you don`t have a boyfriend. Why should I?”
“Because you`re my first client. I`ve decided that I`m going to be a matchmaker when I grow up.”
“Well, if I`m your first client, that means I`ll probably also be your first mistake. No, thank you.”
******
$100 Deposit
The well-dressed, gray-haired woman was crying her eyes out. She had just been fined $100 by the judge because a month ago her dog made a mess on the front lawn of the courthouse.
“I just got out of the cab and I leashed Poopsie to the light pole. After I paid the fare and gave the driver a dollar tip, I turned around and saw that Poopsie had made a mess. I didn`t have any plastic bags, so I said, `Well, Poopsie, let`s go home.There`s nothing I can do about this now.`
“We were just starting home when I heard this voice out of nowhere: `Excuse me, ma`am. Is that your dog?` I turned around. It was an officer of the law. Well, of course, it was my dog. `That dog just made an illegal deposit on the courthouse lawn. As its owner, it`s your responsibility to dispose of that deposit. See the sign over there? I`m going to have to write you a citation.`
“I asked him what sign he was talking about. He pointed all the way down to the end of the block. One little sign, a block away! How could anyone see that? I couldn`t see that sign with my best opera glasses. The officer said that I could fight the ticket. He said the judge was a nice old man who owned four dogs. So I said, `OK, thank you, I`ll fight the ticket.`
“So when I went to court, I dressed Poopsie up in his prettiest ribbons and made extra sure he did his business first. We were both so excited. I just knew the judge and Poopsie would hit it off.
“But do you know what happened when we got inside? They had a different judge, a judge who is allergic to dogs, and he immediately started sniffling, coughing, sneezing, and looking around. And then he yelled at me to get the dog out of the courtroom. He fined me $100 on the way out without even giving me a chance to talk about Poopsie`s chronic dyspepsia. It was terrible! I`m still upset.”
******
Let`s Go Fishing
Dave needed to pack for Saturday`s fishing trip. He went into his hall closet, where he had more than 20 rods and reels. Nowadays he went fishing twice a year at Big Bear, a huge lake in southern California about 7,000 feet up in the mountains.
California tries to boost the fishing industry by sponsoring a Free Fishing Day twice a year, once in June and once in September. That sufficed for Dave. He went mostly because it was a social event with a few friends, not so much to catch fish. Even by itself, the scenic drive up a twisty two-lane road was worth the trip. Not to mention the big, beautiful houses and trees that lined the shore of the lake.
Packing was a project in itself. Dave had even created a computer file named Fishing Trip. It was a checklist of 45 things to take to Big Bear. He took two rods, because on Free Fishing Day you were allowed to fish with two rods instead of the usual one rod. He took a hooded sweatshirt, jeans, two pair of socks, a heavy hooded denim jacket, winter gloves, and a scarf. He also took flip-flops, shorts, a T-shirt, #30 sun block, sunglasses, a big hat, and a lightweight raincoat. If you go to Big Bear in June, you`d better be prepared for hot or cold, rain or shine.He packed a couple of magazines to read just in case the fish weren`t biting. He and his friends joked that the fish were
always biting - in the spot you just left or the spot you were headed to.
After about an hour and a half, Dave had gathered all the items on his list into a neat pile next to his door. He went to bed knowing that tomorrow`s weather and fishing were unpredictable, but the good time with his friends was a given.
******
Books Don`t Grow on Trees
A local community college professor decided to fight back. “The price of books for our students is just getting higher and higher and, combined with the rising cost of tuition, it`s killing these kids,” said Peter Jason, Ph.D. “Remember, students are one of the poorest groups of people in America. Almost half of them have at least one part-time job. In fact, one of my students has three jobs. She is a part-time sales clerk at a clothing store three days a week, then works three evenings a week as a pizza cook, and on weekends she does manicures at a beauty salon. And she still manages to have a high GPA and go to school full-time.”
Textbook prices are traditionally high. Adding to that problem, many college instructors change textbooks year after year; they either upgrade to a new edition or switch to an entirely different textbook. This further hurts students because if an instructor no longer uses a particular textbook, that book has no resale value.
Dr. Jason decided to make life a little easier and a lot cheaper for his students by writing his own book on public speaking. “Many books have an increased price because of bells and whistles: CD-ROMs, lots of color photographs, and lots of graphics. I talked to my students, and many of them, like me, prefer to keep things simple. So, during a sabbatical a few years ago, I wrote my own textbook. I made sure that it wasn’t long-winded. I called it Successful Public Speaking: How To Be Brief, Concise, and to the Point.
“Compared to most other public speaking primers, mine is half the number of pages, and one-third the price. That is, $30 instead of $90. Plus, it is published in a three-ring binder format. So, when I wrote a second edition last year, students only had to buy the 35 new pages and delete 35 of the original pages. For only $7.00, they had upgraded to the new edition. I`ve had great feedback from my students about this loose-leaf concept. Maybe the word will get out, and more writers and publishers will try it.”
******
Train Wreck “Frees” Cows
A Continental Pacific Railroad freight train derailed on Tuesday about 40 miles north of Sacramento. The exact cause is still being investigated, but authorities say it was no accident. The head engineer said everything was fine; then suddenly, everything wasn`t.
Of the freight train`s 86 cars, 22 went off the tracks. Fortunately, this incident did not involve any fatalities, human or otherwise. The head engineer was treated for a broken wrist at a nearby hospital. He was the only casualty.
Trains throughout California frequently carry dangerous cargoes, such as chemicals. When these trains derail, authorities immediately evacuate nearby communities because of the danger of explosions or of harmful fumes. However, this train carried only lumber, new automobiles, and cattle destined for slaughter.
After the mishap, lumber was scattered on either side of the tracks. About 20 automobiles were damaged. The biggest problem, however, was the cattle. About 300 of them were standing on or near the tracks, wandering into the nearby wood |
